MK Dongs First XI

Our Manager

Never afraid to show his emotions during a tight game

Stuart 'Pop' Burdoch the Dongs manager gives his thoughts on the trip to Iceland.

We had a bit of a false start to the trip when the woman coach driver took us to a freezer food shop in Newport Pagnell instead of Iceland the country, but on the plus side we did get burgers, chicken nuggets, frozen peas and vanilla ice-cream ,all for £5 ! When we arrived in Iceland we found the entire squad would be sharing 2 rooms between them, but I thought it would be good for bonding. In the morning I asked if everyone had slept well and Ivor Sorearse complained of being buggered but said he slept well which confused me a bit. We decided to train when the sun went down but got fed up waiting and went back to the hotel at midnight! We had very good results against the Geysers XI and the Reykjavik Ice Skating team, who greeted my players with great friendliness in the communal showers after the game though Ivor was complaining of being buggered again. Our trip home was uneventful apart from seeing the Icelandic supporters waving us goodbye. Strange that they only use 2 fingers when waving in their country. I hope to keep you informed of the teams progress throughout the season.

Goalkeepers

Arma Pisht

Having hit the doldrums at Fer Kwit-guided Lands End FC, this fully paid-up member of the Cornish football scene didn't hesitate when Dongs came calling following the injury to Arthur Lefleg.

Arma’s arrival restores the keeper compliment required in these days of transfer windows and he has been racking up slightly soiled sheets in the reserves as he looks to regain full sharpness and build on his few first team opportunities. Taiwan international ambitions haven't been shelved either.

Arthur Lefleg

This stalwart of the Dongs team Defensive makeup since 2001, put us in no doubt as to what the season has in store.

Rest assured that the aptly named ‘FA Cup’ will leave us with yet another season to remember. Still awaiting a call up to the Welsh senior squad, Arthur will surely make an impression on the selectors.Seen here during the filming of a gum-shield commercial. This was the 'before' shot - you should see his mate.

Hick Mucknall Position: Mainly bending over/goalkeeper Former Clubs: AFC Wallyford

Our most expensive player, cost 3 bags of carrots and a free trip on a tractor for our Chairman when signed from country football team AFC Wallyford. Hick says it's like he never moved as he picks the ball out of the net just as much for us as at his previous club!

Tends to let his concentration wander as he says the pitch would look better if we planted turnips and potatoes in it and is usually seen marking the pitch out. Thankfully the referee thinks he's lining his goal kicks up! His favourite colour is red. When asked if he preferred dark or light red, he said Simply Red!

Submitted by Barnsley Dave

Defenders

Stelyor Muvver

Weaker-minded players would crumble at the thought of winning a place ahead of Dong's current central defensive crop. But with Stelyor, mind is like body - mature beyond his years.

He knows he can only learn while here and if one of the lessons is how to use his gurning in a way that does not incur the wrath of referees then a sparkling future awaits. His terrifyingly powerful free-kicks bring a new meaning to the expression 'you twat'!

Charlie Chunder

Former Clubs: Wolverhampton Wretchers, Hull Kingston Hughies

This left back sometimes has difficulty in keeping the ball down, in fact he cant keep anything down. Often seen laying down making a one man flat back four.

Midfielders

Jose Symfat

Latin flamboyance-a-plenty, an important season is in progress for this Portuguese international, now in his third season with the Dongs.

Able to fill any position that warrants a snack-attacking emphasis, he needs to really hurt opponents regularly with his skills in order to make the next step up. Last took a shower in 1996 after all of his team-mates refused to use the same locker room.

Mosolo Urtin

Reckoned to be the next great African export after the likes of Diamond and Coffee, Mosollo 'busker' Urtin joined us in the winter of 2002.

Already Rhodesian captain at the tender age of 28, Mosolo, quickly nicknamed 'busker' by the lads, impressed when he led his team to victory against in a friendly on our summer tour of Zimbabwe. Not the tallest in build but a great street voice, fairly quick and a great reader of the program. Some doubt as to Mosolo's gender but what the hell.

Babe Beardsley Former Clubs: Least Maundering Blunderers "C"

A veteran of over 30 years in Under-10 teams across England, Babe comes to the Dongs after no one else would credit the frequent erasures and rewrites on his birth certificate. He knows his skill level and wants to compete with his peers. Since his mates from the youth side are all on the verge of first-team contracts here, he has reluctantly filled a gap in the Dongs lineup, where his habit of sitting on the middle of the pitch making mud pies actually confuses opposition enough that we get possession for a minute or two a game.

George The Chimp

At just 7 years old and with an IQ of 3 he is no doubt the brightest player in the squad and the youngest. Yet to play a league match he has impressed in training so much he has attracted interest from clubs like Farnham Town with the club rumoured to have made a 2 figure bid for the exciting prospect.

He is also the stud of the team having apparently raped over 2 female chimps in the past year

Strikers

Ivor Wrash

Transylvanian international striker ‘Frankie’ was one of the four £150 + players who arrived in the summer of 2003 but he was perhaps the one whom the most was known about. Yet Wrash had been one of the most highly-rated players in La Liga in the 2002/03 season when he scored 9 goals in 37 games for Majorca Mules and it was perhaps only because of that club's financial position (and a mutual supermarket contract in the balance) that the Dongs were able to persuade the Spaniards to sell.

The Dongs fans quickly saw what all the fuss was about as Ivor hit the ground running, displaying rarely seen skills and banging into goals for fun, with three in his first ten games. He later hit a barren patch but despite this, his effort and commitment impressed the fans and he quickly became a catalyst for the fans frenzied behavior.

Walter Barnetta

A huge favourite with the Dongs fans, this livewire has regularly thrilled since release from Strangeways in 2002. Initially forged a partnership with Noel Shiptaway before linking well last season with both Ivor Wrash - chipping in with 6 goals himself.

The most memorable, no doubt, was a penalty! The one he conceded in the final seconds of the derby against Preston in April 2004 to secure a 3-3 draw from two goals up.

Elvis Walton

Position: Striker FormerClubs: Alcholics Anonymous XI. Has a reputation for being a bit of a party animal hosting parties in his council flat every week. His major success being at Christmas when he managed to attract 2 people to one of his parties but his parents left early as he told them he was a premiership footballer. On the pitch many fans say he could have played premiership football if it wasn't for his off the pitch lifestyle. He has said the dongs will be his last club after a long and successful career at his school team in which he scored 4 goals in his 20 year spell with the St Andrews School for the Mentally Handicapped

Peter Crouch

Position: Striker. Former Clubs: Liverpool, Southampton, Aston Villa. Peter plied his trade in the Premiership and even found his way into Sven Boring Erikkson's England side before everyone accepted what a useless cunt he is.

With his penchant for grass, twigs and leaves, Peter has been a useful addition to the Dong's ranks, and you will often find him clearing the pitch of obstacles prior to kick off.

Despite the beautiful playing surface, however, form has dipped, and Peter often finds himself out in the cold. Although this may be as much to do with the fact that no one makes a kit in his size.

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