MK Dongs Ladies XI

Ladies XI

Player Manager Margaret Thatcher - Tough talking, no nonsense woman without a shred of humanity Likes to play 5-5-0 formation as she is not keen on strikers. Had a nasty experience with Irish players at Brighton. Initially found it hard at MK as she drove over the many roundabouts instead of round as she doesn't like turning. Had International experience beating Argentina at a neutral venue. Usually worked on 5 year contracts and got tearful when her own team forced her resignation. Margaret spent her earlier years as a chemist, but rumours that a high profile figure at MK keeps asking about white powders have not been proved. Caused friction in the dressing room by banning the free half time milk. Sometimes fails to organise her team as the charge by her team across fields in the match against the miners in 1984 proved. Not the force she was but can still put on an act of sincerity when needed, especially recently in America, where her friends included Ronnie Reagan leader and manager of the Cowboys.

Dislikes - Pop Group the Flying Pickets. Pets - Miner birds. Songs - Red Flag and Maggie Maggie Maggie out, out, out .

Previous jobs - Chemist Honours at school - Head milk monitor.

Goalkeepers

Ami Fatorwat Former Club - Weytwatchers Utd.

Solid reliable keeper. Good shot stopper though suffers slightly due to her inability to jump more than 2 inches off the floor. Recently recovered from a tropical disease which resulted in her losing 10 stone. Currently taking steroids to try and gain weight again. Was the star of the players Christmas party game, squash. Very popular on the clubs beach holidays for her use as a windbreak.

Defenders

Michaela 'Bubbles' Jillson

Position - lying in bed with my friends. Former Club - Young Boys Berne.

Remarkable that she is still playing after having to cope with a major operation in her life. Was originally called Michael Jackson, but had an operation to become a woman after alleged sordid sex scandals with monkeys and under age boys. Favourite song is 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles' but strangely she admits she is not a West Ham fan. Starred in a 'Thriller before the sex change after the Young Boys came back from 2-0 down to win 3-2. Said he was never worried as Young Boys have come from behind lots of times.

Anna 'Jabba' Jablowska Former Clubs: Llandudno Earthquakes, Ellesmere Port Giants

Anna arrived in the close season (we are grateful to Pickfords for their help with the transfer). She looks most comfortable in a 58-66-72 formation, playing right and left back simultaneously, and is rarely pulled out of position (well, no one's yet seen her change position after the mobile crane lowered her into position). Anna says that her club nickname, as well as being a play on her surname, comes from her constant verbal encouragement of her team-mates. She is likely to be a permanent presence in our defence for many seasons to come, at least at home games, unless we can get Pickfords back (Pete, did we ever pay Pickfords?). Favourite food: Lard. Favourite drink: Oil. Favourite film: Revenge of the 50-Stone Woman. Superstitions: Always carries lucky hippo's foot.

Franketta Carson Full Back.

“He he! It’s de way oi stop ‘em” Is her catchphrase. Following a long bout of injury after playing for Mr. Blobby’s XI we are privileged to welcome Franketta into the side. She certainly keeps the team spirits from hovering above rock bottom.

Midfield

Daisy 'Toilet' Chain Former Club: Isiah F.C.

Fresh from playing Velma in Scooby Doo Daisy joined the Ladies team in the close season. A player who does a lot of shouting on the pitch, hence her nickname as she is full of crap. Has progressed despite having an affliction with her eyes as one is an inch higher than the other, which causes difficulties in her day job as a spirit level maker. Daisy is expected to flower early this season and has rose to the challenge of a new club.

Jen O'Side Position: Subs bench Former Clubs: Weight watchers

Jen is a player we signed following our recent trip to Ireland. Has yet to make much of an impact as she has trouble bending over to tie her boot laces and ends up missing half the match. To alleviate this slightly we use the 4th officials board to let the crowd know how long it will take to fasten her kit. Plus we've bought her a pair of Neil Ruddocks shorts to try and help.

Submitted by Barnsley Dave

Strikers

Princess Anne Former Club: Oxshott Royals

Bit long in the tooth but always good for a quick canter up the right wing (the more right wing the better). Very solid performer although on her second manager and has a tendency to play away more often that she plays at home. Frequently sent off for telling the ref to "Fuck off you horrid common little man". good in tackles although has a tendency to encourage fellow teammates to bite and in extreme cases eat the opposition

Emma Roids Former Clubs: Arsenal, Ramsbottom

Manager admits that sometimes Emma Roids can be a pain in the arse, due to the way she piles in to the tackles. Temperamental and psychiatrists admit they've never got to Emma Roids bottom, but then who would want to? Was out injured last season and admits to having had an anus horriblis, but says she is prepared to sweat blood which is causing concern with the shorts being white this season!

Boy Georgina Former Clubs: Un-cultured Club FC

Target man who's tendency to wear hats around an average of 1 metre tall means that she hardly has to get off the ground to get her bonce on the end of crosses - or more accurately, get the top of her hat on the end of them.

Has formed a deadly front partnership with her fellow team-mate Korma Chamaeleon, because as the name of Georgina's team-mate suggests, she can get away from defenders whilst hiding camoflauged as grass, but also has a deadly odour from her backside when she's been eating her favourite Korma from the local Cash and Curry.

Boy Georgina is a menace for defenders to win the ball off and most defenders often stand back rather than slide in, since whenever anyone tries to challenge her, she innocently says "Do you really want to hurt me?"

Billie

Scottish frontman who used to be called Billy Connelly, but after having a sex change (which judging by the beard still being intact, didn't go quite to plan), decided to change his...*ahem* I mean her name to just Billie, though a Mrs B Piper has officially complained to MK Dongs, claiming that the name is in fact her birthright and that Conne...... erm Billie has stolen the name, and that she is the claimer of the history of the name.

By MK Dongs standards, Billie has a great eye for goal with *1 goal in more than 400 starts. Asked about her record, she explains that she doesn't miss them by a little, but misses them by a loooooottttto.

* NOTE: goal given after FA arbitration for birthright related reasons.

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