The New Dongs Fanzine

On sale at no good newsagents

A Christmas Carol

Anon W&WW Poster

Low Attendance Mystery Solved

The riddle of the low attendances at the Hookah Stadium have been solved. Ace reporter, Hugh Jarse, snapped this revealing photograph during a recent home game.

Interestingly, these fans are actually inside the stadium but chose to watch the paint dry on a newly painted bus shelter.

"This is far more entertaining than the game" said one youngster. "I mean, no-one pays to get in here anyway so why waste the afternoon watching the losers on the pitch.

He also went on to say that the only paying spectators are strapped to their seats by stewards three hours before kick off to stop them leaving early.

Important announcement

6” Glowsticks: Product Recall.

It has been brought to our attention that these products are not of merchantable quality. Bought from our exclusive club affiliated MK supplier and negotiated at an exclusive price through much exchanging of brown envelopes, you purchased these in their thousands.

We are asking that you do not under any circumstances return them to us. Instead seal them in a biscuit tin or similar container, dig a hole of not less than 15 feet deep, preferably in granite bedrock, and bury them. Cap the hole with concrete.

Customers are advised this is just a precautionary measure intended to avert undue concern.

Persons who have come into contact with our Glow sticks are advised that if they experience any of the following symptoms they should seek advice from their pharmacist:

Skin flaking, chafing, or tearing

Sudden weight loss and boob inflation

Wasting and dropping of limbs

An oily discharge from any orifice in excess of one pint a day.

(unless an MK Dongs player in which case this is normal)

Any other minor irritations

MKDONGS “Happy Donger” Stores. Where Customer Care comes First

It's Christmas Time

Adapted by the Windlesham Dong

It's Christmas time,

The Franchise Mongs should be afraid,

It's Christmas time,

Not got enough points from games they've played,

But in our world of plenty, Winkie spreads no smile of joy,

Throw your arms around his throat, At Christmas time.

But say a prayer,

Pray for the Asda site,

At Christmas time,

It's hard when your team is playing shite,

There's a world outside your window, And it's a world of 'frenzied' fear,

The Chorus of celebrities sending a special

message to our chairman during recording

Where the only water flowing, Is a bitter Mong in tears,

The only bell that’s ringing is the toll of Franchise doom, Well tonight thank Winkie it's them instead of you,

And there won't be many points for them this Christmas time, The greatest gift they'll get this year's a draw,

In the ground where no one goes, opposition goals will flow, Do they know how 3 points feel at all?

(Here's to you)

That's three more points we've got,

(Here's to them)

Next year at Aldershot.

HMV Staff wait for the influx of frenzied customers wanting to buy this new Christmas Classic

Do they know how 3 points feel at all?

Feed the Mongs

(Let them know how 3 points feel),

Feed The Mongs

(Let them know how 3 points feel)...

MK Dongs to release Christmas Single

By Nanor Edraw

Bedder Gettorff [pictured, left], the Oirish rockstar and lifelong fan of the MK Dongs is to release a Xmas single, we can exclusively reveal.

Famous for his onstage antics with barber shop quartet The Frenzied Roundabouts in the early 80’s, Bedder Gettorff is now turning his attention to more important matters. “The world is in a terrible state. There are millions of people starving for a frenzy of football, and I’m the man to give it to them” he said.

“I’m getting all my mates out of the woodwork to release a single which will hopefully raise billions for the construction of the new stadium. I’ve already got Boneless, Britney Swallows [pictured below, left], Dateless Bedinafield, DC10, KYless Misanthrope and the bloke who plays his mouth organ outside the train station to take part”. “We hope to start recording at Lingus Manor tomorrow”

Councillor Braun Henvelope said “I think it’s a great idea. A song for the MK Dongs is just what we need to remind the world what Xmas is all about – spending money – it’s a shame that we don’t have our new shopping centre, er, I mean, stadium, to rake in more cash”

Rumours that Bedder Gettorff was really only interested in progressing his own career, by building a 300,000 stadium where he’ll be able to perform in front of frenzied crowds were quickly dismissed.

“Fudge orff” he said. As Xmas approaches, it is a time to remind the world the great fun we can have at the MK Dongs, and we must ask ourselves, Do They Know It’s Frenzy Time Again?”

MK Dongs Supporters Organise Protest
By Nanor Edraw

The MK Dongs Supporters are organizing a protest at the forthcoming game against Stanstead Airport FC.

“We have nothing to protest about, and that’s why we are protesting” said Knickerless Organ [pictured, far right], Stoolperson of the MK Dongs Official Independent Supporters Association.

“All the other football supporters around the country have things to protest about. We don’t. It’s not fair. It’s our birthright to protest, and we demand the right to have something to protest about.”

“Stanstead Airport FC are coming here on Saturday to protest against football franchising. Other clubs around the country are wearing red in support of the Wrexham protests. We want to join in the fun and have our own one” she continued.

The exact details of the protest have yet to be published, for fear of police interference, but supporters have been asked to bring along cucumbers and KY Jelly to assist in the fun. Councillor Braun Henvelope, Chair of The Bung Society, Chairman of MK Dongs FC, and Big High Priest of the Royal Secret Society of All Things Bungworthy immediately dismissed the protest.

“It’s a load of bollocks. As if we give a fuck about 2 muppets talking to each other in the street. Who the hell do they think they are? Just because we’ve brainwashed them into thinking they are watching top flight football, and that a supermultiplexarcadeshoppingemporium is what they need on their doorstep doesn’t mean they have any rights in the say of the club. If they don’t stop annoying us we’ll take the club away to some place more deserving. They should shut up, sit down, and watch the rugby”

Hundreds of Applicants flock to the Hookah for Dongs Managerial Vacancy

"In some ways" said our bemused chairman, "we should have been a little more careful about which publications we advertised the position of manager"

Dongs recruitment Officers Orson Cart and Devedy Romm said they were thrilled with the response to their recruitment drive for a new manager. “The number of applications has been fantastic” said Romm, “The pictures show that we’re getting just the right calibre of people applying.

However, the chairman is going to have a difficult time selecting just one person from all these perfect candidates.”

Dongs Sack Couboi Builter

By Nanor Edraw, Photography by RT

The industry leading publication, Franchise News, leads with an article regarding the contract negotiations over the construction of our new 300,000 seater stadium (with en-suite bathrooms for each supporter).

It is alleged that MK Dongs have sacked Cohboi Builter following protracted negotiations over the price for the stadium. Cohboi Builter and his band of merry workmen were allegedly going to make in excess of £9m profit on the project, a figure which is obviously not their birthright in the view of the stadium consortium.

A spokesman for the stadium consortium said: "They've quite a bit of cheek asking for such a huge amount. It's not the first time people have complained about Builter's Cheek. If they wanted to make that much money, they should have had a chat with Councilor Braun Henvelope first."

Councilor Braun Henvelope, who was recently appointed "Chief Executive and Head of Stuff and The Man to Talk to When You Want a Bung" at MK Dongs, said: "It's a shame Cohboi Builter won't now be involved in the project. We have lovely pretty pictures of the new stadium, [which we haven't paid for yet], and looked forward to our round the world trips to see lots of other stadiums they have built."

When asked who will build the stadium now, Braun said..."HOK"

"Oh, I mean, <cough>, I have a frog in my throat. I don't know. However, not to worry, it is the birthright of Dongs everywhere to have a 300,000 seater stadium with en-suite bathrooms [pictured], and if we need help, I'm sure the cheerleaders can lend a hand."

'Pop' Burdock gets the boot.

By Nanor Edraw

Our Greatest Ever Manager (OGEM) has been tied up in a sack, and dropped from a great height into a river. Rumours that the enclosed kittens objected to being drowned alongside 'Pop' have yet to be substantiated.

Seen here today attempting to start the MK Sponsored car which he honourably and steadfastly refused to drive until the results picked up, Pop found that he would not be going down with the sinking ship - he was offered a place on the good ship 'HMS Dole Queue'.

Why he has been ditched is as yet unclear. Some say it's because he was spending too much of the budget on Hookahs, others say it's because he got the cheerleaders up the duff, and yet others say he was shit. Either way, we are now without the man who has managed to give us the worst ever performances on the pitch since we were formed.

The search for a replacement manager is underway. The MK Dongs Forum is rife with rumours of Sven, Arsene, Alex and Bobby, but we can now confirm that Steve Airypalms, and Jismless Gargoyle will take the reins of the rollercoaster ride that is our birthright.

Romance in the Air

By Z Victor One

A budding romance in the ranks! Since the accident to his good lady wife (see below for details), our chairman has been seen out (and in) with Ladies Team Goalkeeper Ami Fatorwat. "Well, since the old trouble and strife hit that tree on the way home the other day she's been in intensive care and could cark it any minute" said our caring chairman "She'd want me to get on with my life"

First picture shows them under the mistletoe at last years MK Dongs Christmas party wishing each other a Merry Christmas no doubt.

The second picture shows Ami allegedly practicing her First Aid techniques on the Chairman. One assumes they didn't work, as he is now in intensive care in the next bed to his wife. What a way to go.

New Stand Nearly Complete

By The Coracle

“Just awaiting final repainting of the yellow and blue bits, the nearly completed stadium’s covered stand and refreshment/toilet facility is spotted by our undercover agent in a secure warehouse in Bletchley. The sign is provided as an aide memoir to the Chairman.

Note the large trophy beneath, which serves as a constant reminder to the players of our glorious victory in the 1988 Cup final. More evidence that the Dongs are proving to be heavy investors in the future of the towns football”

‘Pop’ Burdoch awarded UEFA ‘A’ Coaching Badge

By Nanor Edraw

Our venerable manager Stuart ‘Pop’ Burdoch has been awarded the UEFA ‘A’ coaching badge after an exhaustive practical and written examination series.

The MK Dongs FC management and staff would like to congratulate Pop on his wonderful achievement and are sure all the supporters of MK Dongs will join us in wishing him well for the future. Naturally, we will expect even more amazing performances on the pitch from the players as a result of his newly qualified skills!!!

In an exclusive statement, Pop was his usual modest self, stating: - “I know, I’m fucking brilliant. Get your knickers off darlin’, I’m about to give you a one-man roasting” Pop’s agent immediately stepped in and took control of the media scrimmage, threatening anyone with legal action and a ‘quick kick in the mush’ if anyone was to address his client directly again.

“Pop is the consummate professional, “ said Cellya Grannie. “He has long held the UEFA A, B, & C ‘Advanced Professional’ Badges, and now with his coaching badge he is able to pass on his experience to the players under his wing. Key to obtaining this recognised qualification was the input from the players, who will be celebrating with Pop at Spearmint Rhinos tonight. If any newspapers would like exclusive photographs or interviews with the top totty they’ll be shagging in a secret West End Hotel, contact my mate Braun Henvelope later”.

The Ugly Eccentric Fulltime Alcoholic ‘B’ Badge is awarded yearly to football managers of outstanding ugliness and drunkenness. Although he has held the ‘Advanced Professional’ badges since a teenager, he has failed for years to pass on any of his drinking wisdom to his players due to passing out in a drunken stupor before he could open his mouth.

Initially famous for the ‘Two Hand Shuffle’, a difficult and complex move involving one Tube station, two cans of Special Export, and one litre of vomit, he replaced it last year with the ‘Pop Gambit’, where one dropped can of Special Export is replaced with a loud ‘Gerrourramewayyafudgingbastardye’. This is believed to have been the secret behind the final two points the UEFA committee were looking for.

However, insiders put his success down to the players. “They’ve been so shit this year that Pop rarely has a lucid moment, spending all his time sucking down suds. The youngsters simply didn’t know any better and followed suit. What the UEFA committee see as a team of players attempting to recreate the ‘Pop Gambit’ by continually giving the ball away, they are in fact pissed out of their skulls themselves and are simply trying to get rid of the big white elephant chasing them around the pitch”.

Chairman's Wife in Hurt in Accident

The Chairman's good lady was critically injured in an unfortunate accident whilst driving home. Thankfully though, all his bad ladies are in fine fettle and can be seen below raising funds for the next club take-over.

New MK Dongs Airline Launch Delayed

By The Coracle

EasyDong.com the new startup airline from MK Entrepreneur Stealyer Handsoffyerarms has been grounded indefinitely following it’s failure to pass CAA safety checks.

EasyDong has partnered with the Saff London Airline Group and Skyhigh Airlines to bring you all that is best in discount air travel. Click on the links for more info.

South London Airlines Group

Chairman To Buy GPS System

By The Coracle

After taking a few wrong turns in South West London, our chairman is given a warm send off by some of the locals. Three 'hot air' seeking missiles were launched from an unknown location but failed to explode. Our hero escaped without injury, although his y-fronts were written off due to him 'touching cloth' on the first impact.

A spokesman for the local Constabulary remarked that this sort of incident is very rare in SW19. An artists impression of the suspect is shown here.

Dongs on the Road

As the Dongs special approaches Chesterfield Station, some Spirites respond with a spontaneous welcoming gesture.

This charming picture is typical of the warm welcome us Dongs have received from football supporters up and down the country.

Sporting one of the new Dongs sou'wester hats, spokesperson Mr. Dick Head said that he was touched - and who could possibly disagree?

It's a wonderful and weird world if you come from Milton Keynes.