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Another message
from the Stars
By
Nanor Edraw
You
will have seen recent news reports that an unexplained radio signal from deep
space could, just might be contact from an alien
civilization, according to New Scientist magazine
The signal, coming from a point
between the Pisces and Aries constellations, has been picked up three times by
a telescope in Puerto Rico. New Scientist said on Thursday the signal could be
generated by a previously unknown astronomical phenomenon or even be a
by-product from the telescope itself.
But the mystery beam has excited
astronomers across the world. It was broadcast on the main frequency at which
the universe's most common element, hydrogen, absorbs and emits energy, and
which astronomers say is the most likely means by which aliens would advertise
their presence.
The potentially extraterrestrial
signals were picked up through the SETI@home project, which uses programs
running as screensavers on millions of personal computers worldwide to sift
through the huge amount of data picked up by the telescope.
Scientists around the world are
still attempting to decipher the message, and have managed to make out some of
the letters, but have yet to understand the full meaning. At the time of
writing, the message currently reads as:
“F*CK OFF Y*U FR**C*ISE C**TS”
London schooling blamed for poor football
results.
By
Nanor Edraw
MK Councillor Mitch Offskool today blamed poor schooling
in London for the poor results from MK Dongs FC so far this season. “All our
players come from London, they didn’t grow up in Milton Keynes – and because
of that they have not had the positive influence of the wonderful and unique
education system that is the birthright of all Milton Keynes residents” said
Mitch.
“The recent A-Level
results for our senior team show how poor their schooling has been –
everybody failed miserably – and I fear that this is affecting their
performance on the pitch”
“It is obvious they
have no understanding of Newton’s Third Law – every action has an equal and
opposite reaction – because each time they kick the ball they fall over
backwards. Nor do they understand basic mathematics, where scoring less
goals than the opposition means they lose. Fortunately their grasp of
English is poor as well, otherwise their morale would be even lower due to
the continuous abuse and big words like ‘Franchise’ shouted at them by
opposition supporters”
“Of course, the
future is bright, the future is Dong, because next years team will be made
up of players who are completing Key Stage 2 in our magical junior schools
in Milton Keynes.” He continued “It is unfortunate that when we purchased
the league position, we also had to take the worst players in the squad, but
we plan to offload the remaining few by the end of the season”
“However, all is not lost, because it is clear that
education levels across the country are falling. Geography seems to be a
major sticking point for opposition supporters. Wimbledon is in the natural
conurbation of Milton Keynes, but they all seem to think it is somewhere in
South West London – and they call us stupid!!”
The Wizard Of Oz is to be remade according
to industry sources.
By
Nanor Edraw
The modern day plot
is similar to the well known story, but with a few changes. This time the
home of Dorothy is picked up by a Frenzy rather than a Twister, and
transported to the magical land of MK.
“We intended to
follow the same cinematic style, filming the home town of Dorothy in black
and white, and the Land of MK in colour – but everything is grey concrete in
Milton Keynes so it came out as black and white as well” said the cameraman
who shot the whole movie on his mobile phone.
In her quest to
return home, Dorothy is told to visit the ‘Weirdo of MK’ who is said to be
so intelligent he’ll know how to get her home. As the Weirdo lives far away
in the ‘Souless City’, Dorothy must travel the Grey Concrete Road before she
can meet him. She befriends a local inhabitant called a Mong on her travels,
who has no heart, brain, or courage.
“Mong is a strange
character, has no conscience, believes everything he’s told, and is a little
chicken shit bastard.” said one insider. In a dark twist to the story, her
faithful pet dog Toto has been renamed Goto-MK, but dies when run over by a
24 tonne truck which loses control on a roundabout.
Apparently the final chapter concludes when the Weirdo
turns out to be a cocaine addict, and Dorothy realises all his promises were
just a big fat load of bollocks. Suddenly the good fairy Chrissy appears and
reveals to Dorothy all she has to do to get home is click her Yellow & Blue
shoes together three times and shout “Get me the fuck out of this shithole”.
Welcome to Radio Mong
By
Nanor Edraw
MK
Dongs are pleased to announce the new stadium will be festooned with the
latest technology as is the birthright of all MK residents.
Pride of place will be the new online service Radio MONG
for those 
supporters who are busy watching Manchester United on Sky Television at home
and can’t travel 70 yards to the National Hookah Stadium. This unique service,
manufactured in space age materials, will be available FREE* to all MK Dong
season ticket holders. MK Dongs hope to expand the service within the next 10
years to a third subscriber line should demand require it.
[Your FREE* Radio MONG subscription kit]
* subject to a one-off connection fee
of 2 grammes Colombian marching powder, your first-born son, and your next
council election vote.
Stonehenge belongs in Milton Keynes!
By Nanor Edraw
Milton
Keynes Council today laid claim to Stonehenge and called upon the Natural
History Museum to allow them relocate the historic monument to a site outside
Yates Wine Bar on lateral 22.
Local
historian Fudi Duddy said: “Whilst researching material for my new publication
‘The Dongsday Book – a Brief History of Milton Keynes’, I realised there was a
striking similarity between Stonehenge and various landmarks around Milton
Keynes”.
“Stonehenge
is obviously the first ever roundabout recorded in history, and as such, must
have been designed and built by the early town planners of Milton Keynes” he
said excitedly. Frothing at the mouth, Duddy added “Milton Keynes is the
largest city in the MK1 postcode without a World Heritage Site, and it is our
birthright to have one!!!! Moving Stonehenge to Milton Keynes will also mean
we can build loads of lovely new concrete car parks and plastic fast-food
outlets.”
Councillor
Braun Henvelope said, “This is an exciting development for the people of
Milton Keynes, and when Fudi Duddy showed me his extensive research on the
back of a fag packet, I had no doubt his facts were correct. The bung he gave
me helped make my mind up as well. Hang on, don’t print that. I said, don’t
print that! It was off the record. What do you mean you are writing in ink?
Use a pencil with a rubber on the end next time.”
The Natural
History Museum immediately discounted the claims as a “load of old bollocks”.
An unnamed source said “Fucking typical. Those thieving bastards think they
can re-write history whenever they see something they want. Last week they
said they invented the Olympics just so they could build a new running track,
and the week before that they said Australia was part of the natural
conurbation of Milton Keynes because they dug up a ‘pre-history’ can of
Fosters. Anything older than 30 years is pre-history to those wankers”.
“The only
thing Milton Keynes and Stonehenge have in common is that both were built by
Neanderthals”
Administrators Called in Again
A dreadful misunderstanding over an order for a 'large consignment of coke' leads to the entire first team being put up for transfer.
The Chairman would not comment on the exact contents of the order placed, but
club secretary, Miss Ophelia Labia, has been placed on administrative leave.
Miss Labia said: "It's a bleedin' disgrace. He knows full well I'm a bit
mutt and jeff and the
bleedin' dog ran off with my hampstead's that morning"
A Spokesman for the Chad Valley Drug Squad is on record as saying "Bwahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha"
MK Dongs breath a sigh of relief!
By Nanor Edraw
The
future of MK Dongs was called into doubt when Stuart 'Pop' Burdoch burst
into the office today announcing that the Planet Mongo had declared war on
MK Dongs.
Apparently Emperor
Ming the Merciless [pictured, with his portable particle disintegration
weapon] visited Pop last night and threatened him with particle
disintegration unless MK Dongs changed their name.
According to
Reuters, the people of Mongo assembled at the Imperial Palace in Mingo City
and demanded that Emperor Ming immediately close the Mongo Embassy in MK,
and halt all diplomatic contact.
Thun,
King of Lion Men said “The MK Dongs, and the supporters known as Mongs, are
bringing the good name of Ming, Mongo and Mingo into disrepute. We stand
united with Vultan, Leader of the Hawkmen, Princess Aura, Prince Barin, and
the bloke whose name I can’t find on the internet at the moment who leads
the Sand People to demand that Emperor Ming blasts them into the endless
Void of Nothingness”.
MK Dongs players
immediately went to DEFCON 3 and hid under the bed. Their expensive
pre-season training of seven to a bed in Iceland was actually a secret
emergency practice for survival in a nuclear winter, and had fully prepared
them for such an eventuality. Fortunately while clearing out the 40,000
unsold season tickets stored under the bed, they found the missing Mod
Hookah and realised that ‘Pop’ Burdoch had smoked one leaf too many, and
that the threat of war with the Planet Mongo was as likely as the MK Dongs
gaining promotion.
Natural Wonders around MK
Making the visitor feel welcome
Click for full effect!
